Would you rather be right, or loving?

Would you rather be right, or would you rather be loving?

Trying to love a child the best you can while at the same time having so little say in major decision-making continues to challenge me. "I stay in my lane" is something I hear from the recovering addicts I work with, they say it often. Having a stepson, the lanes get blurry, sometimes they're hard to distinguish. What is my lane? I'm asked to love him and do for him and then I have to back off. The atmosphere is foggy, the line looks dotted, can I cross over? How far is too far? I ended up voicing my opinion about summer camp. Lots of issues involved that I won't go into details about. My mind starts...judging, complaining, venting, demeaning

 the other mom involved- how can a mom think this way? Doesn't she know anything about children? Does she care about anyone but herself? Does she know how much her decisions effect so many other people, my partner and our son included? I start to spin and reel, feel the tightness and heat in my chest, feel like I'M SO RIGHT, she is so wrong! Part of me says, FIGHT FOR YOUR RIGHTNESS, OR YOU WILL PERISH! FIGHT FOR YOUR STEPSON OR HE'LL BECOME A DRUG ADDICT! FIGHT FOR YOUR SON OR HE'LL BE EMOTIONALLY UNSTABLE! My fight or flight reflex thinks I WILL DIE UNLESS I FIGHT.

I know my pattern, I see it wanting to play out. I back off emotionally. I manage to disengage, I calm down. And then, I look on the dining room table.

She's left me a beautiful card for mother's day, thanking me for being a wonderful part of their lives. Boy, how about that?! My plate of humble pie has been handed to me. I'm flooded with humility and a dash of gratitude.

Yes, there are challenges, ultimately, I don't get to make major decisions a lot of the time, and that's not part of my role. Part of my path seems to be to increase my capacity to love without attachment or being in control. I do make decisions for my own son, I get that privilege. I get to practice giving up being right, letting go of control, and trusting everything will be okay in the end, regardless of all the details that seem so important in these moments, with my stepson. My ego HATES IT! But my value system, personal and spiritual path is increasing my capacity for love, and what better challenge than this to get me further on that path?
As a mentor would say, "AFGO" (Another F'ing Growth Opportunity).

Ending this feeling humbled and present, grateful for what I do have- my relationship, a kind ex-wife situation, my growing relationship with my stepson, and my relationship with my birth son.

With my propensity for high emotional reactions, I am given opportunities again and again to practice letting go, shutting my mouth!, using my "thinking" brain rather than my "reactive" brain, and choosing what I focus on. That card was a major wake-up, saying, "Nathalie, you might be right but what is really important?" And what is really important is how we treat each other in this moment, and the next, how we love each other, and how we foster acceptance and gratitude. "The grass is green where you water it". So this time, I was able to hop off the, "I'm right" train just in time to receive that card without embarrassing myself! Not that I'll be successful every time, because it is a practice, but each time I am, I win more than just that moment. I increase my strength and resilience, which God knows I need for this journey!