Blended Family Trip

I usually limit our blended family trips to 3 nights for the sake of my sanity. Anyone with kids understands that time away is not always relaxing and restful but time to be full-on with the additional cranky kids, packing and unpacking, and unpredictable travel occurrences.

This summer, I changed things up in honor of my commitment to my partner and his son. I decided to take them to my family's house in Maine. My siblings, my sister's husband and daughter, and my Dad would be there for the time we were planning. Last summer, mind you, we were in such a state of fragility that I did not invite my significant other. It was made clear during my own work with a step-mom coach that he did not want to be invited if his son was not invited, and I was too anxious and stressed at the idea of having my step-son there. I went with my son, without them, feeling guilty. I knew this was a temporary fix, that his was not how I wanted things to be, but I accepted the discomfort and told myself I was doing what was best for the whole family.

Since then, we have greatly improved our relationship, worked on our team

mentality, and gotten more on the same page about parenting. This was not without support! Both a Step-mom Coach, a couples counselor, and a personal growth program my partner did helped us accomplish this task. I cannot stress enough the importance of outside support.

So I invited them to come. My step-son was scared without knowing why, I had some anxiety as well, but I planned a few days beforehand to spend with just the 4 of us to make sure we all connected before "merging" with my family. I spoke with my family about my commitment to my step-son, stressed the importance of his acceptance and belonging in our family, and also requested an extra level of support for me because of my own challenges with him. Everyone got on board! This was also a major switch from the past, when they had struggled with my step-son, my stress around the situation, and the amped-up level of energy when my step-son was around vs. my son by himself.

By the middle of the first day there my step-son was telling me he wasn't afraid any longer, and could we please stay more days? By the end of the second day he was asking if he could stay with my sister and her husband.

Don't get me wrong, I had my frustrated moments but overall it was a huge success, and I feel brought us closer as a family. I'm so grateful for the work I've done because the thrill of his happiness, my ability to include everyone and still have fun and enjoy myself, felt amazing. The thing about this challenging path of blended family life is that the extreme challenges also come with the extreme moments of joy, such as seeing the huge smile on my step-son's face as he tubed with my sister in the water. In my mind, the pay off for all the hardwork and investment energetically, financially, emotionally, and mentally is worth it 100x over!

Just for Fun - Reader Participation Required!

Reader Participation Required!

What do these three Disney songs have in common? (Comment below!)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IFuFm0m2wj0

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cPAbx5kgCJo

http://video.disney.com/watch/try-everything-official-video-52d8e527ac56515e09375959

Steps and Stones - the path of progress

A lot of people don't like the word "step" parent. Well I'm reclaiming it! It's a step-in the right direction parent, a step-up parent, a step-dance parent, a step-stool parent. My step-son is proud to call me his step-mom and I love that.

Steps and Stones.... I've found that sometimes I move along a path and I make it to the next step. Other times, even though it feels like I'm walking and moving along a path, I seem to hit stones. It's confusing...am I on the right path? I thought I was supposed to be making progress? Where's my next step? I can't get a good foothold, can't get my feet solid, keeping moving forward unsteady on the stones and then finally I hit...a step! Solid ground! Progress! Moving up! And then before I know it, I'm back on the unsolid stones. While this metaphor might work for life in general, I find it particularly relevant to parenting, and step-parenting. There's always a next step to get to, even though it's not always clear, and just when I think I've got it something throws me for a loop that I wasn't expecting and I'm back on the stones.

I've been focusing on a couple things lately. One has been allowing myself the space and graciousness of feeling however I feel. Lately, that has been a little bit of a "blah" feeling. I try my tricks to shake myself out of it and it sneaks in without me realizing. I think it's gone and then ..whoops! I "snarl" at a family member over something trivial. So, okay, I let it be. Once I stop resisting it I stop "snarling". I just slow down. I don't make myself be hyper and energetic and fun "for the kids" like I want to be. I just take it easy and trust that my attentive presence - as much as I can give - is enough. I watch my minds tendency to want to judge me for it, make me wrong about it. And practice letting that go and remind myself that my attentive presence is enough. For now, and my energy will return, and the world, and my household, will keep spinning and the important things will be taken care of.

Which leads me to my second focus: trust and surrender. My West Baltimore clients who have struggled with addiction, been in and out of institutions, witnessed and experienced unthinkably horrible aspects of humanity, each of whom I consider to be a walking miracle, have taught me more than anything to trust and surrender. I see those habits take shape in their beings and I watch their incredible transformations take place. And I can't help but be moved and inspired by the power in their faith and their ability to constantly surrender, everyday when they wake up, they tell me, each night when they go to bed. I am full of gratitude to have the honor of witnessing their healing and progress, and seeing where power is. It is not in our hands, my good reader, it is not ours to have and hold, it is only up to us to surrender, accept, and open ourselves to the power to move through us, with us, to use us for the highest good possible.

I had a client say today, I just need to hold my position and let God do the rest. He was saying if he does his part, God will work wonders for him. Through God all things are possible. I truly believe in this, and when it comes to family and blended family life, it feels more applicable and important than ever. When it comes to knowing we'll have enough... enough love, enough patience, enough money, enough knowledge, enough drive, enough everything... to create abundant, thriving children, relationships, and life experiences.

In conclusion, this delicate balance of allowing space for all feelings negative and positive, trusting and surrendering to a higher power while holding steady an optimistic position, for me, these seem to be key elements to building my inner fortress as I go through life's ups and downs. Blessings to you, my dear reader, for strength and surrender with your own life's challenges!

Would you rather be right, or loving?

Would you rather be right, or would you rather be loving?

Trying to love a child the best you can while at the same time having so little say in major decision-making continues to challenge me. "I stay in my lane" is something I hear from the recovering addicts I work with, they say it often. Having a stepson, the lanes get blurry, sometimes they're hard to distinguish. What is my lane? I'm asked to love him and do for him and then I have to back off. The atmosphere is foggy, the line looks dotted, can I cross over? How far is too far? I ended up voicing my opinion about summer camp. Lots of issues involved that I won't go into details about. My mind starts...judging, complaining, venting, demeaning

 the other mom involved- how can a mom think this way? Doesn't she know anything about children? Does she care about anyone but herself? Does she know how much her decisions effect so many other people, my partner and our son included? I start to spin and reel, feel the tightness and heat in my chest, feel like I'M SO RIGHT, she is so wrong! Part of me says, FIGHT FOR YOUR RIGHTNESS, OR YOU WILL PERISH! FIGHT FOR YOUR STEPSON OR HE'LL BECOME A DRUG ADDICT! FIGHT FOR YOUR SON OR HE'LL BE EMOTIONALLY UNSTABLE! My fight or flight reflex thinks I WILL DIE UNLESS I FIGHT.

I know my pattern, I see it wanting to play out. I back off emotionally. I manage to disengage, I calm down. And then, I look on the dining room table.

She's left me a beautiful card for mother's day, thanking me for being a wonderful part of their lives. Boy, how about that?! My plate of humble pie has been handed to me. I'm flooded with humility and a dash of gratitude.

Yes, there are challenges, ultimately, I don't get to make major decisions a lot of the time, and that's not part of my role. Part of my path seems to be to increase my capacity to love without attachment or being in control. I do make decisions for my own son, I get that privilege. I get to practice giving up being right, letting go of control, and trusting everything will be okay in the end, regardless of all the details that seem so important in these moments, with my stepson. My ego HATES IT! But my value system, personal and spiritual path is increasing my capacity for love, and what better challenge than this to get me further on that path?
As a mentor would say, "AFGO" (Another F'ing Growth Opportunity).

Ending this feeling humbled and present, grateful for what I do have- my relationship, a kind ex-wife situation, my growing relationship with my stepson, and my relationship with my birth son.

With my propensity for high emotional reactions, I am given opportunities again and again to practice letting go, shutting my mouth!, using my "thinking" brain rather than my "reactive" brain, and choosing what I focus on. That card was a major wake-up, saying, "Nathalie, you might be right but what is really important?" And what is really important is how we treat each other in this moment, and the next, how we love each other, and how we foster acceptance and gratitude. "The grass is green where you water it". So this time, I was able to hop off the, "I'm right" train just in time to receive that card without embarrassing myself! Not that I'll be successful every time, because it is a practice, but each time I am, I win more than just that moment. I increase my strength and resilience, which God knows I need for this journey!